at some point in time...

the one in the mirror

2009-04-25T16:12:00.003-04:00

every once in a while it's good to look yourself in the mirror to bring yourself back to reality.

if you do it every day already, then it's good to clean that mirror and take a brand new look at yourself.

you may surprise yourself with what you see looking back at you

procrastination

2009-03-08T15:58:00.002-04:00

so at this time as I sit in the library attempting to write my case assignment, procrastination rears its ugly head and daydreaming begins.

I have come to realize that as you grow as a person, there are lines drawn at significant events in our lives. These are the points where we find ourselves growing more as a person and discovering that little bit more about ourselves and what we are capable of.

I walked over a line recently and as I sit and think of the person I've become and all that, I'm starting to kind of like where this is going. Don't get me wrong- all that angst that I missed out on in high school is now coming around and there are still days where I'm not satisfied with who I am but for the most part I have come to like the way I'm turning out.

*snort* how narcisstic can one get...

power mad

2009-03-08T15:54:00.001-04:00

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to ownI used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

mark your calendar kiddies!

don't waste the pretty

2008-12-18T13:09:00.001-05:00

he's just not that into you

that four letter word

2008-11-30T22:47:00.003-05:00

i've never been IN love

but i've fallen OUT of love

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball
-Damien Rice, Cannonball-

let's talk sex

2008-08-03T05:13:00.001-04:00

"When you're nearly 20 and surrounded by guys you can't get. Really sets in."

somewhere in between

2008-06-15T14:37:00.003-04:00

i feel your pain.

i want to hold on to that respect i know is due but i can't.

i've also always felt that we'll turn out like them but i wish we won't.

i hope with all my heart that we will break through the bounds that have constricted them.

write our own history, develop our relationship our way.

it's our time. our generation.

agak sedih

2008-06-09T22:49:00.002-04:00

saya rasa macam saya ni agak sedih...

begitu banyak tempat saya nak pergi tapi kalau nak pergi sendiri macam malas dan rasa macam lusar je.

tapi kalau saya merancang untuk pergi, rasa macam pergi sendiri pun agak cool.

yang amat menyakitkan hati adalah apabila saya imagine saya pergi melawat semua tempat dengan 'dia'.

so is it all in my head and the fact that i have had no physical closure whatsoever?

is dreaming still happening because nothing solid was ever said?

is it being simply machoistic not saying anything and just pretending that nothing happened?

forgetting would be so much easier if...

'obsessive shadowing'

2008-06-07T12:55:00.001-04:00

simply put: an unhealthy way of life

now make like a cow

2008-06-01T23:14:00.003-04:00

moooving on to leaner, greener pastures

Give me the will to hold on.

just say it

2008-06-01T23:14:00.001-04:00

feel free to say 'No'

just so you know

2008-04-20T18:01:00.002-04:00

i want to make it known- my stance

at some point, everyone DOES leave

the question is if they come back, will it be the same ever again?

shameless hussy

2008-04-17T10:10:00.001-04:00

my mortification is complete.
now if only the earth will open up and swallow me whole.

a whisper away

2008-04-03T15:42:00.002-04:00

i take one step forward as you come nearer.
i can do this.
i freeze.
i think i'll run.
which direction?

as i lay my head back down

2008-02-18T22:56:00.002-05:00

just sleep...it can't happen when you sleep

August 23, 2007

2008-02-15T01:16:00.001-05:00

Heathrow, London- 6.15 a.m. local time

Yep. So this whole leaving thing wasn’t as easy as it started out to be but when the time actually came, it wasn’t AS hard as I thought it’d be. Yeah, there are heaps of you at home I love and miss but I know like someone told me, it’s time to start a new phase and as much or as big of a challenge this may be, what’s life without it? It’s time to learn to fall in love with another place.

There are hundreds of thoughts that run through my head of about how this whole new thing is going to be like and some of them are good, some are just a plain blank. I think I like the blanks better cause then I won’t have so many expectations.

Let’s hope this goes well eh?

six months on...this is where i am...has anything changed? have i grown any more?

and then.

2008-01-19T10:08:00.001-05:00

and then when you've finally found those you're comfortable with...

...reality happens.

people always turn around...and leave.

who needs companions then?

you and me

2008-01-18T21:28:00.000-05:00

companionship.

strange thing isn't it?

we all cross paths at one point or another in our lives.

but what keeps us in each other's lives?

how much do we have to have mattered to the other person to keep them in our lives?

how many footprints do we have to make?

why is it we all seem to need some form of companionship throughout our lives?

what's wrong with 'some men or women are an island'?

and then again why is it when surrounded in a room full of people one still feels really alone?

friends forever

2008-01-06T09:53:00.000-05:00

i've never been the biggest believer in 'friends forever'

holding everyone at arm's length is the way to go

that way you won't get hurt....

this trip back has changed all that

they've made me WANT to believe in friends forever

so here's that small step i've promised myself to take...hopefully it'll be the first step to the many more i'll take.

Friends Forever

footprints

2007-11-25T14:44:00.000-05:00

how much time does it take to make an impact in someone's life?

-Marin, "Men In Trees"-

this is me

2007-11-15T02:28:00.001-05:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

i'll be there for you

2007-11-15T01:49:00.000-05:00

it's all about you, you and you

but i also think of me

i think i think of me more

i wish didn't

it makes me a bad person

but i'm always here...regardless

i won't leave

but i might not trust

cliché

2007-11-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

in a room of so many

i am alone

and then he said...

2007-09-27T12:04:00.001-04:00

"trust me with the amount i worked i deserve that nasi lemak"

-abu on working out and nasi lemak-

p.s. i know this is really random but i loved it! hahaha...

how do i

2007-08-18T00:05:00.000-04:00

going away from everything and everyonw i've ever known

yeah i may have travelled on my own thousands of miles away before but i've always been back

who knows when i'll see anyone again?

will i fit in there?

how do i deal?

but i'm excited! it's a new begining!

it's what i've been dreaming of

getting away

starting fresh

who knew i'd be so attatched

those three words

2007-08-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

people toss them about all the time.

especially here.

they don't realize the implication behind it.

they become meaningless to some after a while.

where's the magic then?

"those three words, are said too much, they're not enough"

-Snow Patrol-

aliente

2007-07-13T09:11:00.000-04:00

Five silver plates line the white washed wall.

it's called a piece of art. but one sees nothing but the plates fron afar.

Walk closer towards the silver plates.

As your breath hits the plates, the faces of the forgotten appear.

with their faces, your reflection also stares back at you

do you remember these people who died? do you REMEMBER what they died for and why?

~Oscar Muñoz~

left behind

2007-06-08T03:41:00.000-04:00

i feel so emo.

i feel like i'm loosing some of the people i love most.

i know i shouldn't hold on and that i should just let go and leave it up to fate.

i want to- i really do but i feel somewhat betrayed and that doesn't make sense either.

and letting go? it's easier said than done.

maybe it's something i said and we're definitely growing apart. but i don't want to loose something that's been such a huge part of my life for so long.

so how now?

Best days of my life

2007-05-21T11:35:00.000-04:00

college was a fluke. it didn't really teach me much.

I miss Sri Aman.

I didn't do much there and i didn't really shine in anything but the thing is i had fun. I made so many friends who are so different but have come to mean so much. (Yes, i miss you all!)

this had to be brought on by something you must be thinking. It was. I was going through the Sri Aman 2005 yearbook and looked back on everything and although i wasn't really a BIG part of anything i really felt that i did somehting good.

ooh cna i just say that the 5SB class page is the one that rocks the most! it's the best designed one!!! hahaha... and no i'm not biased hahaha... so yes, i miss everyone and if anyone out there reads this i just wanted you to know that.

cry me a river

2007-05-14T10:42:00.000-04:00

i need to cry... i haven't cried in ages.

like REALLY cried

what would YOU do?

2007-05-14T10:16:00.000-04:00

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
-Gloria Vanderbilt-

change is gonna come

2007-05-14T10:09:00.000-04:00

finally, I can say i belong somewhere.

University of Toronto Scarborough- Class of 2011

eat your heart out. i'm terrified. what if i don't fit in? what if I have no idea what i'm doing or if i want to be doing what i'm doing? what if i have no friends? what if i'm cast away? what if no one likes me? what if i suck at the univeristy thing? what if i fail? what if i become so lost that there's no way back? what if...?

my conscience has green horns

2007-05-14T09:44:00.000-04:00

i'm left here on my own waiting to start on a whole new chapter. How do i feel about this? well, i'll be the first to tell you that that's a trick question because there is no answer. i sure as hell don't have one. on one hand i can't wait to get out of this place to a new world where life will hopefully be kinder. on the other hand, i'm terrified to no end. people may joke about it to me and yeah i'll laugh along with whatever joke is being cracked but at the end of the day the point is that i'm terrified. i'm travelling a few hundred thousand miles to a country where i know no one and i have to start studying all over again. I don't know if i'm strong enough to do that.

My friends have all started their lives and it feels like everyone's grown up without telling me that it was time. i know that it is my choice to go to Toronto to study and the fact that i've made it into a fantastic school to boot should make leaving easy. But it isn't. The people who have come to mean so much after so much effort and the people who love me and keep me the way i am is what is making leaving such a tough thing. I always thought "Oh puh-leese! this is going to be a breeze." shows how much i know hey...

I don't want to loose my friends but i know that holding on with a death grip will not change anything so I have to learn to move on and I have. That's one of the most important lessons the last few months have taught me. I'm still invested in each and every one of my friendships but i know that I can still go on if i were to loose any one of them. I'm not saying that i have finished learning this whole process because goodness knows it's taken me forever to get here but there's a lot to learn and to see in the future. What that future holds? Wouldn't you want to know...

a love affair

2007-05-10T06:37:00.000-04:00

My latest love -

STRAWBERRIES

have you ever had anything as decadent and delicious? mmm... they make me happy

you know what else makes me really happy and smile? Balloons. huge huge bouquets of balloons.

strawberries and balloons... the way to a girl's heart- this one at least! hehehe...

look into my eyes

2007-04-25T09:46:00.000-04:00

i did something i haven't done in a long time today. It's not earth moving or anything like that but it meant a lot to me now that I can feel Canada breathing down my neck. anyway the point is that i spent the afternoon at my popo's and it's something that i haven't done in like forever. We talked a bit about things and it made me miss my gong gong.

so my cousin Cedric was brought home from the nanny's in the evening and as usual, i couldn't not play with him =) he makes me smile. the creepy thing is that this little thing of 8 months made me think and realize somehting- one of the hardest and most vulnerable thing that a person can do is to look someone else in the eyes for a really long time. I mean STARE.

See, he isn't to familliar with me cause i only see him once a week but the thing is when he looks at me as if trying to put me into a box in his mind and figuring out who i am, it feels as if he sees into me and all that i am deep down. This is what i mean by making yourself vulnerable. Letting someone stare into your eyes and staring right back is a great leap of faith. it's opening yourself up to them and letting them look into your soul practically. I know it may not make sense to some people out there but to me I see it as a huge exercise in trust. Something that i'm sure i'm not ready to do with anyone at all.

Scary

mirror, mirror on the wall

2007-04-11T03:22:00.000-04:00

self image.

oh how i loathe thee

"My relationship with my body is like that of an egomaniac with a self-esteem problem. Mostly I think about myself and how much I suck. But there are rare moments when I walk around for hours and think i look amazing. Either I feel great about myself or I've decided some guy is checking me out. Then I catch a side view of myself in a store window or a department store mirror and I'm plunged into despair. If I could always live in a place with no mirrors or disapproving glances, I would think that I was the prettiest girl around."
-Maggie from "Conversations with the Fat Girl" by Liza Palmer-

this aptly describes how i see myself sometimes. It does not bode well with me that I am that conscious of how I look and how much i weigh. Most of the time I can get by with feeling comfortable in my own skin but there are times when I become Maggie. If you ever get the chance pick up that book. It may be chick lit but it's the best story ever because it really is real and i'm sure that you will be able to find a piece of yourself if not in Maggie then in some of the other characters in the book.

lemon filling

2007-01-03T12:41:00.000-05:00

the real world- key west

the scene: Taylor is running a marathon somewhere down in Key West, Florida. at the 29th mile he is crouched on the ground. his knee has given way but his mind is screaming for him to go on. he gets up and with the motivational support from three people who were before that time virtual strangers he goes on and finishes the marathon. he doesn't win or anything (at least i didn't think he did) but he finished the marathon.

now, what is all that? well first of all i'd like to point out that i have no idea what the real world reality series is about and i am open to someone poitning out what it's all about.

the lesson behind that? that it doesn't matter whether we come in first or last in a race. it's the effort and the heart that we put into getting from the starting point to the end that matters most. and that it doesn't hurt when we get support long the way, be it from the ones who we love and knows us well, perfect strangers or even our worst enemy. that support and motivation whether directly or indirectly, gives us that extra push and kick that we need to complete that one extra mile when everything seems impossible. so remember it's the journey and not the begining or end.

it's the lemon filling that the meringue covers

conservatism

2007-01-02T10:43:00.000-05:00

i have been brought up in a fairly open family where very few things are taboo.

well okay maybe my dad and his side of the family has this thing against indians and well basically dark skinned communities. but i know when at the end of the day push comes to shove, my dad would not mind if we were to get together with any of these people, his side of the family would probably all throw a hissy fit but i know that my dad would accept it at the end of the day casue i know that he has changed and grown a lot since i was a kid.

so anyway the point i'm trying to make is that some families are still so conservative in their thinking and their ways even in these modern days of the 21st century.

first example is an uncle who strongly felt that i should get an intense education while obtaining my degree in Australia instead of going to Canada and getting a more liberal education. he says that it is better to be a know it all in one subject and that i should not venture out so far.

next one are two sets of parents. set A disapproves of their daughter having a boyfriend and especially one who isn't muslim. set B are a set of staunch Catholics who won't allow their daughter to date anyone who isn't Catholic citing beliefs and things like that. Now, don't get me wrong i understand that it is all part of parental love and religious beliefs, culture and tradition. but at the end of the day when push come to shove and these parents won't give up their rigid beliefs and learn to let go a little, their kids are the ones who will well i don't think suffer but i guess they loose out.

interfaith/religion relationships are still so much frowned upon but at the end of the day isn't that supposedly great thing called love supposed to prevail over it all that?

what else? ooh back to that first one. well something to do with it. the hotel industry is a magnificent one as i am sure many people who work in it should know. yes, it's not a glamorous job or anything but it's a wonderful industry to work in. Not in the eyes of a lot of my family members though. According to them people working in the hotel line are those who didn't do well in school academically. but then i think wait, if that's so then how come there are so many people with degrees in business administration who are working in the hotel industry making heck load of money? it just doesn't make sense. and this industry isn't the only one but it is the most prominent one getting this kind of response. there are so many industries out there not getting a seal of approval but i think that at the end of the day isn't the fact that the person is making a living perhaps merely just enough but making a living doing what they love... isn't that what counts the most?

going into our 50th year of independence, Malaysia also has it's own hurdles of conservative ways and thinkings to overcome before it goes on to achieve her Vision 2020. hey, i'm all for it but the state of the country today, in its political and economical ways, she has a very long way to go but i have the biggest hopes, wishes and dreams that she will bloom and become a force to be rockoned with.

looking forwards

2007-01-02T06:59:00.000-05:00

so here it is... 2007! a very happy new year to all who stumble upon my humble aboude of thoughts.

so dad sat the four of us down today and asked us what our goals for 2007 were. My goals for 2007 are to go to uni and do well, to visit america before going there and to bcome a better person because 2006 taught me that i was not happy with the person i was.

now this new year brings a new chapter in not only my life but so many of my friends as well. I suppose one can call it a milestone as we're all preparing to go our separate ways. but my biggest hope as this new begining comes is that no matter what and who the future may bring our way we'll keep each other and the memories with us no matter what.

yeah, it is wistful thinking but one can always hope for the best can't we?

this new begining thing scares me. it's sort of like starting all over again from the begining. making new friends, adjusting to a whole new world, coping with new challenges and obstacles. i wonder if i am strong and capable enough to make it through. but i know that with faith, hardwork and lots of help from the Big Kahuna above anything is possible.

so before i completely emerse myself in 2007, what have i taken away from 2006? i have taken away the experience of reverse bungee jumping...TWICE; i have learnt that not everyone is as good as they seem and that you only want to be around them under specific circumstances; i have learnt that my time in italy was completely ruined by myself but that i can rebound from it and i will know what to do next time; i have discovered the wonders of so many great bands like the fray and hinder; i have taken away the experience of being in college and it's crappy and few good times.

what am i looking for in 2007? a better person, a new experience and the journey of a lifetime! i can't wait!

f a i t h

2006-12-24T23:17:00.000-05:00

that was one of my favourite names for a girl were i to ever have kids. but that's besides the point. that one word that brought to much hope and all that brought about a whole new meaning this Christmas.

i didn't go to church this Christmas and i think it's the first time in a long time that i've done that. Mum calls it 'a streak of rebellion' and is quite upset with me and thus not really talking to me. oh how the dynamics of a relationship change over issues like these.

first i'd like to point out that it isn't a 'streak of rebellion' but more of my way of not wanting to step into church especially on such a day and sit there and pretend i'm interested (which i am but,) but it's not that i don't believe in a God or as mum says "foregoing my Lord". i just need to find out who i am and what i believe in.

yes she has taught and instilled into me the faith and all it entails and how this one person dies to take away our sins. My predicament lies in that fact of where my relationship is with this one powerful God. i don't know if He sees me as too far tainted and too far along to be redeemed or if He still has faith in me.

or maybe these are all excuses. but how can it be? I know that at some point i truly did believe in Him and i know that everything that has happened to me has been for reasons only He knows. so it can't be that i don't believe in Him. i guess it's all just a matter of how much i believe in His belief in me as a creation of His mighty hands. but come what may i know that He will be there wherever i go in life.

i also know that whether or not i went to church this Christmas does not alter my faith in Him. it's as my mum's always said. "being a good and true Christian does not entail going to church every sunday. being a christian is knowing your relationship with God". so i may not have been baptized or anything like that but i know my relationship with God and i am His child. but the situation of our relationship is something that i have to explore and learn about.

so not going to church this year does not mean that i have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. as much as i love what commercialization has done to christmas, i know deep in my heart what Christmas is all about.

that leap of faith

2006-12-13T06:32:00.000-05:00

so denise and i went reverse bungeeing and flying foxing yesterday. my goodness it was the most awesome thig in the world.

the reverse bungee lets you experience the best 20 seconds of your life. doing the flying fox was exciting cause junping off a landing that high is an absolute rush.

next up on the horizon: the 294m skyjump from KL Tower itself!

mwhaahahahaha

the house

2006-12-06T23:10:00.000-05:00

gosh... there's no where else in the world that i remember better than that house. i always knew that i felt something whenever i walked into that house i just didn't know what.

then one day siew went to see my grandpa and she happened to remark about how much love you felt when you walked through the doors and then i realized that that was it!

LOVE. can you imagine love so strong that i becomes that tangible? i can. i've lived it and i still am. there have been talks about selling it to move her closer to us but then things just won't be the same. i know that change is always good but this is one that i can't take.

it's my life.

depending on tomorrow to get by today

2006-10-25T08:31:00.000-04:00

i have lost it.

well and truly.

i am living in a world of tomorrow where nothing that has to happen or is happenig today actually matters.

i'm no planner. i hate planning for things. i mean don't get me wrong it's not planning an event or things like that i'm against... it's planning for a lifetime... i always believe in living for today and just allowing to morrow to come.

i haven't been there lately.. all i think about is what i'm going to do once i blow this joint and head off to where ever it is life is taking me too... i'm not concentrating on today, stopping to smell the roses or enjoy the people around me. All i can think of is tomorrow and what it has to offer. Is this the point where i'm going to screw everything up?

i don't want to. that's a scary thought. being the person that i am i HATE disappointing others even though at the end of the day i'm the one who's the most let down. but that doesn't matter. what does matter to me now, today, is the fact that i have to seriously put my head down from out of the clouds forming there and give it one last go before i can truly say that "yeah i gave it my best shot. now's the time for me to enjoy and let life bring whatever it is."

if i don't, at the end of the day the only person i will let down is myself.

oh and all those other people who love and believe in me so much.... which inadvertedly also at the end leaves me disappointing...well... ME.

one, not two or three...what's wrong with that?

2006-09-28T08:16:00.000-04:00

people today are totally not getting it.

my mom told me that our 'brand spanking new and open' government had issued an open invitation to pitch for the Minister of Transportation advertising account (though what kind of advertising thing they need done is beyond me...ooh maybe it's those berhati-hati di jalan raya kinda thing, y'know? ever seen one of those?) yeah so anyway i asked her why don't pitch for the account? They can't. They're not a bumi based company.

Lee Kwan Yew says that Malaysian Chinese are 'marginalized'. so what?

so what is that all these are racial issues that despite all we say are very much alive and kicking in our country. My dad gave me a third degree talk on why i should be proud of my chinese heritage on that one day i wore a kebaya to college during the cultural week. who says i'm not? the recent instant millionairess Suki won because "chinese people can vote more than the Malays" declared my auntie. has she seen the statistics? another aunt declared to my mom over the phone, when she jokingly said that "you're just like your brother (my dad) who is so afraid his daughters will marry an Indian", "NO! NO! His worries are justified! We must instill all these prejudices into our children from a young age!" WHAT THE HELL???

so no let me just clear this: i am not trying to start a war. I just want my say- that's what my blog's for isn't it?

so anyway, what these people aren't getting is that they did not end up in this situation by chance or choice. it's fate. whether they want to say that it is the fault of GOD or their ancestors who brought them to this beautiful land, the point is THEY ARE HERE. so what are we going to do to survive as minorities? keep complaining about all that the Malay people are given? Discriminate against the Malays and teach our children the same thing? come on, let's be realistic here. there is no way anything will change dramatically in the next century that we're around so we do what all those other people around the world who face obstacles do- we fight and work hard for what we want and screw what anyone else says. If we fail at least we can say we tried and that we're not afraid of getting up, dusting our faces and trying again.

while we fight though, what is wrong with living in harmony with the people around us? what is wrong with adopting one another's culture? it's not like we're killing each other or anything. they're not our enemies. far from it. they're our brothers and sisters regardless of color or creed. wearing a kebaya, speaking malay, wearing a saree, eating with my hand- none of it makes me less of a chinese. in fact i like to think i'm not simply a chinese but a MALAYSIAN chinese. i love my culture and roots but i also love embracing the cultures of others and their languages. it makes me feel that bit more part of the world.

so as minorities in this country, we're not at a disadvantaged position. sure we have to work that bit harder but then think about it this way, we're not the only ones in the world who are slogging away just to earn a decent living and even that the experiences we pick up along the way are worth more than what money will ever be able to buy. anyway we should consider ourselves incredibly blessed not just for all those reasons that they usually tell you but because we have been put on a land where we are living with a HUGE part of the people of the world (not as in the population but the races).

so with the amazing mix of colours from various people and cultures, the wonderful sounds of a group of people speaking so many languages at the same time and all that food, why should we let so many of these petty things which CAN be solved, if all those people who should be doing what they were chosen to do, get in the way of us living what you have to admit is a pretty damn good life? huh... food for thought *yummm*

sticky situation

2006-09-28T08:06:00.000-04:00

so i must say i'm impressed! i've blogged quite often enough... granted it's trials and i usually do the most inappropriate things at this time. anyway, here's a thought that occured.

the psych book was open ready for me at page- Lord knows what because of those photocopying 'geniuses', to take in whatever i cared to take becasue psych's tomorrow but of course my ever predictable mind wonders off and it occured to me: Am i a 'sticky' friend?

see i don't do things until cajoled and proded into doing so and no i don't actually wait for someone to do it but it just seems like when someone does i actually contemplate going or doing whatever it is. does that mean i'm only going along with the flow or that i actually ugh NEED people to be with me before i feel comfortable? am i not as i propose a sefl-sufficient chick who does everything her way screw what everyone else thinks?

i have seriously lost sight of who i am. i really don't know anymore. at 12 i would have confidently told you off if you tols me i didn't know who i am. a year ago i thought i knew what i had grew to become from all those' darker days' but today at 18, who am i? i wish i had SOME inkling. everytime i think i've got it something comes up or someone says something or heaven forbid i start along my thinking processes and come up with a thought that just overturns everything i thought. and then we're back to square one.

so, who am i?

sparkles

2006-09-22T08:15:00.000-04:00

so i thought that this year would have turned out quite *bleh* but it's been okay...

Farah Fat and i hang out with jen quite a bit ( don't know if that's a worrying thing hehe), we go sushing so often THAT is worrying, i've sort of 'lost' friends i love so mcuh but i'm open to being found again! (*hint hint*)

i've welcomed an adorable cousin, Cedric, i've said goodbye...

malaysia is moving towards i half century of independence and despite our flaws and all, we're doing okay. Certain parts just need shzzazing up but all in all we're doing okay...

we witnessed 'The Wedding of The Year' which i must surprisingly admit was quite exciting... she looked sad or melancholic though in her pictures...oh well...

America paid tribute to to victims of 9/11 in it's 5th anniversary while the rest remembered those lost in the aftermath of it

The world said goodbye to Mr. Crocodile Hunter man

Football nuts were caught by the football fever bug, tennis bade farewell to the awesome andre aggassi and bonjour to the AMAZING Mr. Federer, F1 has to bid auf widersein to Mr. Michael Schumacher at the end of this season who has written history, david beckham stepped down as captain of england and is being left out by steve mclaren. I'm not too thrilled about that but then again it's their team. i can just hear the sarcastic sniggers out there about my loving DB, but i don't care what others might think. yeah i'm not embarassed to say it i love David Beckham!! hehehe so, personally, i think we should be proud, even if these people aren't at all in knowledge of our existence, that we lived in a generation filled with so many amazing athletes.

our local theatre scene is looking better every 'mo and so is our film industry though the former is doing better... ooh ooh but my fave ever "...I'm going to continue in English cause i sound stupid speaking Malay..." hahaha... i just love honesty like that, what more in our society.

i had an awesome summer holiday with the invasion of two "Americans" and an American

i've learnt so much upon my reflection on my exchange to Italia. i learnt so much from there but i think i learnt and realized even more things today thinking back to it.

i think that's about it. i'll think some more and see if i can come up with anything else

my tribute

2006-09-21T04:20:00.000-04:00

so, Mel's sister passed away this week... I was so sad when i heard that. Ju told me in college and then the rest of the day left me pondering... It wasn't the first time my thought process went down this road. It has happened consistently throughout the year since April. It has been a tough but very eventful year. The bigggest event i will concentrate on here... In April I lost my Ah Gong. The kidnapper? Pancreatic Cancer. Now here's the weird thing: when i found out i wasn't like in total shock or anything i think i was more stunned.

yes i did expect it becasue we all knew that the cancer was eating at him so badly to the point where this man who was so strong and resillient throughout the whole ordeal started crying out in pain. i did cry at the funeral becasue yes it was tough saying goodbye. what was my one big regret? I never kissed him. That last time that i saw him i wanted to kiss him before i left for home but somehting held me back. i don't know what it was. today, i am left with memories of him. But i question the memories i have and how is it i miss him. For one thing that house i love so much, feels empty. This time of the year we would all have our tanglongs casue ah gong would have bought them for us from the market. Popo doesn't have anyone to take her to that coffee shop near SEA park i think for brekkie after the market. We don't have anyone to help us out in times of need. Were these all valid memories?

this year's MPH search for a young malaysian writer had the theme of 'Time'. My first thought for the story i wanted to write revolved around this amazing man who i love so much. But when it came tome to sit down and talk about my ah gong, i had nothing. or so i thought. i had nothing like all those inspiring stories i'd read. My ah gong was like any other grandpa. but then when that thought crossed my mind i knew i was lying. ah gong was not in an sort of 'ordinary' league. he was in one of his own. although it is tough to say what it was he had that made him so special, in my eyes anyway, i do know that he was.

i was so ashamed of myself because i thought of my memory of ah gong were all so flimsy and i didn't spend enough time knowing him and i also though at one point that my tears at the funeral were held back showing that maybe i didn't really care. but i know now that i was wrong. ah gong didn't want an elaborate funeral with all that jazz... he left word to keep it simple. and that was what made me realize that my memories were mine and what i have is so precious because my sister's and brother don't have what i got. My tears, what little i shed, was proof that my heart did break and the lack of it is just from knowing that ah gong wouldn't have wanted all that. he didn't like fuss. clean, fast and efficient. that was ah gong.

i was disturbed by the fact that i had no inspiration whatsoever to write or come up with something creative as a tribute to ah gong. when auntie tammy passed away, i came up with a poem from the point of a best friend even though i've only seen her once when i was younger. but when it came to writing something about ah gong i was so lost. it didn't help that Nadiah wrote something on him and she wasn't around for the funeral. i think what i remember of ah gong can't be put into words and no poem or story or whatever it is would adequately describe him and what i remember. i think what's in my heart matters and how or whether or not i carry it with me where i go.

So my memories of ah gong... begging to go next door to play, doing homework after him scolding me, going to the park with ah gong casue he was so easy to bring to the park, ah gong waiting for me after school everyday (with food!), yelling at other drivers on the road and complaining about the state of our roads, ah gong buying us tang longs and all that quirky but very useful household thingies, ah gong wondering off while we were in a shopping mall but magically finding us later on, . What do i miss most about not having him around? every time i go to the house, ah gong and i watch TV3 news together and we always talked about the news. Now, i don't have anyone to watch it with. His devotion as a husband, a father and especially a grandfather.

hey, this is it! this is my tribute... i love you

BFF...just like in primary school

2006-09-10T21:30:00.000-04:00

yep, just like in primary school. i'll be honest though i haven't always believed in BFF....i still don't but i do remember a time where i cherished those words like gold. what changed? i don't know...somehow for some reason i've become cynical about all this rubbish. but yes i do believe in the power of friends because i do believe that no one should be alone...it's all good if they can convince themselves that they're all fine and dandy without anyone but everyone needs some form of company....

i still have my old BFF and i have new BFFs. although with my new cynic view of the world that there is no such thing as BFF, i have a group of my close friends that i do love... it's been hard to 'earn' them but i believe that they are a great group of people despite the many differences between all of them. now as the year is coming to a close close, everything is finally culminating and by this time next year who knows where we'll be? So i say cherish what we have today? i guess so...i don't know i'm not a big fan of promises and relationships...let's just say it's all broken promises.

i had a previous blog somewhere else but that didnt' work out cause it didn't feel 'cool' enough...hahaha...anyway there was something conveyed in that one post i posted that i want to put here since we're on the topic of friends. I am no stranger to loosing a best friend becasue i did. i couldn't remember anyone i was closer to. so what happened then? i wish to God i knew or that it was a better reason than the only one i can come up with...peer pressure. i was so desperate to fit in and all that i became a bully....i had no mind of my own and i refused to fight for what i believed in but didn't realise i belived in until unfortunately many donkey years later.

and then there was the other one where i was a bully and made life a living hell for one girl. I think that this girl was one of the few incidents in my life that convince me that there is a higher power out there whether we want to call it God or something else. She forgave me. Yes when my 'mature' mind grasped at what horrible things i had done, i wrote her a letter apologizing for my behaviour. she wrote back and she forgave. she even made it into a good thing. that restored my faith that people ARE indeed capable of immense goodness and love. she came back recently fron the US and wanted to meet up but i think my guilt made me into a coward cause i did my best to avoid meeting her. yes i feel guilty and i may carry this guilt around for a long time but it serves as i reminder that we have to be good to one another to live a fulfilling life. i don't know if i'll ever have the courage to look her in the eye again but i pray like hell that i won't be condemned.

perfect...absolutely

2006-08-25T06:39:00.000-04:00

Well so here we are... nearly a week on and here i am at the age of 18 beginning the 19th year of life on this place we all call Earth. Now what on Earth am i talking about? Well it was a theory from an interview the very surprisingly hot Denzel Washington said while on Parkinson. I don't remember the exact quote of it but the gist of it was that when a person turns a certain age, they are actually begining the next year of their lives. Confused? Took me awhile to grasp it too but here's an example... i turned 18 six days ago, i began the journey of the 19th year of my life.

So what's so significant about turning 18? Nothing that i can honestly say got me that when excicted. For the first time in my whole lifetime i was not excited nor was i particularly happy about my birthday. previously the excitement was awesome...truning a year older. But this year? Nope. It was depressing to say the least. I always felt that turning 18 was the worse part of a person's life and i had a theory that being 17 was perfect... i had some whole theory in words and i think sometime this year i read that theory of mine coming out from the mouth of the gorgeous Liv Tyler. Here's what it says: "It's no fun turning 18. Being 17 is perfect; you can get away with anything; and yet you're old enough to do what you want"… sheer genius i say! so those of you out there who are still 17 or even those of you itching to grow up i have this to say: Live all your moments and soak them up all you can cause you're only THAT age ONCE.

yes i am OLD. Why am i so depressed about it? well i guess it's cause i've realized in the past year or so i can no longer hide behind the innocence that being 17 offered. You were always able to push aside decisions and responsibilities that you didn't want to take or make. Nonetheless i know that the coming year will present itself with so many challenges and heartaches but i am preparing myself for them. I want to be able to look at all those and say to their faces "i'm ready for you...there's nothing you can throw at me that i can't handle."

funny me

2006-08-18T05:20:00.000-04:00

I have got to be the world's biggest idiot...ha ha ha... i created a blog the other day but couldn't access it the next day cause i completely forgot my username and password....anyway i made sure i did everything right this time...heh...finally got my own blog...LOL

This'll be weird cause a lotta people know how opposed i am to blogging...but i was thinking the other day and i realized how many warped little thoughts i have in my head and i wanted to share them with someone but i couldn't think of a single person who would have the time of day, interest and patience to listen..hahah...so that's MY justification. so this is MY introductory entry and i hope you'll come back for more!