f a i t h

that was one of my favourite names for a girl were i to ever have kids. but that's besides the point. that one word that brought to much hope and all that brought about a whole new meaning this Christmas.

i didn't go to church this Christmas and i think it's the first time in a long time that i've done that. Mum calls it 'a streak of rebellion' and is quite upset with me and thus not really talking to me. oh how the dynamics of a relationship change over issues like these.

first i'd like to point out that it isn't a 'streak of rebellion' but more of my way of not wanting to step into church especially on such a day and sit there and pretend i'm interested (which i am but,) but it's not that i don't believe in a God or as mum says "foregoing my Lord". i just need to find out who i am and what i believe in.

yes she has taught and instilled into me the faith and all it entails and how this one person dies to take away our sins. My predicament lies in that fact of where my relationship is with this one powerful God. i don't know if He sees me as too far tainted and too far along to be redeemed or if He still has faith in me.

or maybe these are all excuses. but how can it be? I know that at some point i truly did believe in Him and i know that everything that has happened to me has been for reasons only He knows. so it can't be that i don't believe in Him. i guess it's all just a matter of how much i believe in His belief in me as a creation of His mighty hands. but come what may i know that He will be there wherever i go in life.

i also know that whether or not i went to church this Christmas does not alter my faith in Him. it's as my mum's always said. "being a good and true Christian does not entail going to church every sunday. being a christian is knowing your relationship with God". so i may not have been baptized or anything like that but i know my relationship with God and i am His child. but the situation of our relationship is something that i have to explore and learn about.

so not going to church this year does not mean that i have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. as much as i love what commercialization has done to christmas, i know deep in my heart what Christmas is all about.