my tribute

so, Mel's sister passed away this week... I was so sad when i heard that. Ju told me in college and then the rest of the day left me pondering... It wasn't the first time my thought process went down this road. It has happened consistently throughout the year since April. It has been a tough but very eventful year. The bigggest event i will concentrate on here... In April I lost my Ah Gong. The kidnapper? Pancreatic Cancer. Now here's the weird thing: when i found out i wasn't like in total shock or anything i think i was more stunned.

yes i did expect it becasue we all knew that the cancer was eating at him so badly to the point where this man who was so strong and resillient throughout the whole ordeal started crying out in pain. i did cry at the funeral becasue yes it was tough saying goodbye. what was my one big regret? I never kissed him. That last time that i saw him i wanted to kiss him before i left for home but somehting held me back. i don't know what it was. today, i am left with memories of him. But i question the memories i have and how is it i miss him. For one thing that house i love so much, feels empty. This time of the year we would all have our tanglongs casue ah gong would have bought them for us from the market. Popo doesn't have anyone to take her to that coffee shop near SEA park i think for brekkie after the market. We don't have anyone to help us out in times of need. Were these all valid memories?

this year's MPH search for a young malaysian writer had the theme of 'Time'. My first thought for the story i wanted to write revolved around this amazing man who i love so much. But when it came tome to sit down and talk about my ah gong, i had nothing. or so i thought. i had nothing like all those inspiring stories i'd read. My ah gong was like any other grandpa. but then when that thought crossed my mind i knew i was lying. ah gong was not in an sort of 'ordinary' league. he was in one of his own. although it is tough to say what it was he had that made him so special, in my eyes anyway, i do know that he was.

i was so ashamed of myself because i thought of my memory of ah gong were all so flimsy and i didn't spend enough time knowing him and i also though at one point that my tears at the funeral were held back showing that maybe i didn't really care. but i know now that i was wrong. ah gong didn't want an elaborate funeral with all that jazz... he left word to keep it simple. and that was what made me realize that my memories were mine and what i have is so precious because my sister's and brother don't have what i got. My tears, what little i shed, was proof that my heart did break and the lack of it is just from knowing that ah gong wouldn't have wanted all that. he didn't like fuss. clean, fast and efficient. that was ah gong.

i was disturbed by the fact that i had no inspiration whatsoever to write or come up with something creative as a tribute to ah gong. when auntie tammy passed away, i came up with a poem from the point of a best friend even though i've only seen her once when i was younger. but when it came to writing something about ah gong i was so lost. it didn't help that Nadiah wrote something on him and she wasn't around for the funeral. i think what i remember of ah gong can't be put into words and no poem or story or whatever it is would adequately describe him and what i remember. i think what's in my heart matters and how or whether or not i carry it with me where i go.

So my memories of ah gong... begging to go next door to play, doing homework after him scolding me, going to the park with ah gong casue he was so easy to bring to the park, ah gong waiting for me after school everyday (with food!), yelling at other drivers on the road and complaining about the state of our roads, ah gong buying us tang longs and all that quirky but very useful household thingies, ah gong wondering off while we were in a shopping mall but magically finding us later on, . What do i miss most about not having him around? every time i go to the house, ah gong and i watch TV3 news together and we always talked about the news. Now, i don't have anyone to watch it with. His devotion as a husband, a father and especially a grandfather.

hey, this is it! this is my tribute... i love you