f a i t h

that was one of my favourite names for a girl were i to ever have kids. but that's besides the point. that one word that brought to much hope and all that brought about a whole new meaning this Christmas.

i didn't go to church this Christmas and i think it's the first time in a long time that i've done that. Mum calls it 'a streak of rebellion' and is quite upset with me and thus not really talking to me. oh how the dynamics of a relationship change over issues like these.

first i'd like to point out that it isn't a 'streak of rebellion' but more of my way of not wanting to step into church especially on such a day and sit there and pretend i'm interested (which i am but,) but it's not that i don't believe in a God or as mum says "foregoing my Lord". i just need to find out who i am and what i believe in.

yes she has taught and instilled into me the faith and all it entails and how this one person dies to take away our sins. My predicament lies in that fact of where my relationship is with this one powerful God. i don't know if He sees me as too far tainted and too far along to be redeemed or if He still has faith in me.

or maybe these are all excuses. but how can it be? I know that at some point i truly did believe in Him and i know that everything that has happened to me has been for reasons only He knows. so it can't be that i don't believe in Him. i guess it's all just a matter of how much i believe in His belief in me as a creation of His mighty hands. but come what may i know that He will be there wherever i go in life.

i also know that whether or not i went to church this Christmas does not alter my faith in Him. it's as my mum's always said. "being a good and true Christian does not entail going to church every sunday. being a christian is knowing your relationship with God". so i may not have been baptized or anything like that but i know my relationship with God and i am His child. but the situation of our relationship is something that i have to explore and learn about.

so not going to church this year does not mean that i have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. as much as i love what commercialization has done to christmas, i know deep in my heart what Christmas is all about.

that leap of faith

so denise and i went reverse bungeeing and flying foxing yesterday. my goodness it was the most awesome thig in the world.

the reverse bungee lets you experience the best 20 seconds of your life. doing the flying fox was exciting cause junping off a landing that high is an absolute rush.

next up on the horizon: the 294m skyjump from KL Tower itself!

mwhaahahahaha

the house

gosh... there's no where else in the world that i remember better than that house. i always knew that i felt something whenever i walked into that house i just didn't know what.

then one day siew went to see my grandpa and she happened to remark about how much love you felt when you walked through the doors and then i realized that that was it!

LOVE. can you imagine love so strong that i becomes that tangible? i can. i've lived it and i still am. there have been talks about selling it to move her closer to us but then things just won't be the same. i know that change is always good but this is one that i can't take.

it's my life.

depending on tomorrow to get by today

i have lost it.

well and truly.

i am living in a world of tomorrow where nothing that has to happen or is happenig today actually matters.

i'm no planner. i hate planning for things. i mean don't get me wrong it's not planning an event or things like that i'm against... it's planning for a lifetime... i always believe in living for today and just allowing to morrow to come.

i haven't been there lately.. all i think about is what i'm going to do once i blow this joint and head off to where ever it is life is taking me too... i'm not concentrating on today, stopping to smell the roses or enjoy the people around me. All i can think of is tomorrow and what it has to offer. Is this the point where i'm going to screw everything up?

i don't want to. that's a scary thought. being the person that i am i HATE disappointing others even though at the end of the day i'm the one who's the most let down. but that doesn't matter. what does matter to me now, today, is the fact that i have to seriously put my head down from out of the clouds forming there and give it one last go before i can truly say that "yeah i gave it my best shot. now's the time for me to enjoy and let life bring whatever it is."

if i don't, at the end of the day the only person i will let down is myself.

oh and all those other people who love and believe in me so much.... which inadvertedly also at the end leaves me disappointing...well... ME.

one, not two or three...what's wrong with that?

people today are totally not getting it.

my mom told me that our 'brand spanking new and open' government had issued an open invitation to pitch for the Minister of Transportation advertising account (though what kind of advertising thing they need done is beyond me...ooh maybe it's those berhati-hati di jalan raya kinda thing, y'know? ever seen one of those?) yeah so anyway i asked her why don't pitch for the account? They can't. They're not a bumi based company.

Lee Kwan Yew says that Malaysian Chinese are 'marginalized'. so what?

so what is that all these are racial issues that despite all we say are very much alive and kicking in our country. My dad gave me a third degree talk on why i should be proud of my chinese heritage on that one day i wore a kebaya to college during the cultural week. who says i'm not? the recent instant millionairess Suki won because "chinese people can vote more than the Malays" declared my auntie. has she seen the statistics? another aunt declared to my mom over the phone, when she jokingly said that "you're just like your brother (my dad) who is so afraid his daughters will marry an Indian", "NO! NO! His worries are justified! We must instill all these prejudices into our children from a young age!" WHAT THE HELL???

so no let me just clear this: i am not trying to start a war. I just want my say- that's what my blog's for isn't it?

so anyway, what these people aren't getting is that they did not end up in this situation by chance or choice. it's fate. whether they want to say that it is the fault of GOD or their ancestors who brought them to this beautiful land, the point is THEY ARE HERE. so what are we going to do to survive as minorities? keep complaining about all that the Malay people are given? Discriminate against the Malays and teach our children the same thing? come on, let's be realistic here. there is no way anything will change dramatically in the next century that we're around so we do what all those other people around the world who face obstacles do- we fight and work hard for what we want and screw what anyone else says. If we fail at least we can say we tried and that we're not afraid of getting up, dusting our faces and trying again.

while we fight though, what is wrong with living in harmony with the people around us? what is wrong with adopting one another's culture? it's not like we're killing each other or anything. they're not our enemies. far from it. they're our brothers and sisters regardless of color or creed. wearing a kebaya, speaking malay, wearing a saree, eating with my hand- none of it makes me less of a chinese. in fact i like to think i'm not simply a chinese but a MALAYSIAN chinese. i love my culture and roots but i also love embracing the cultures of others and their languages. it makes me feel that bit more part of the world.

so as minorities in this country, we're not at a disadvantaged position. sure we have to work that bit harder but then think about it this way, we're not the only ones in the world who are slogging away just to earn a decent living and even that the experiences we pick up along the way are worth more than what money will ever be able to buy. anyway we should consider ourselves incredibly blessed not just for all those reasons that they usually tell you but because we have been put on a land where we are living with a HUGE part of the people of the world (not as in the population but the races).

so with the amazing mix of colours from various people and cultures, the wonderful sounds of a group of people speaking so many languages at the same time and all that food, why should we let so many of these petty things which CAN be solved, if all those people who should be doing what they were chosen to do, get in the way of us living what you have to admit is a pretty damn good life? huh... food for thought *yummm*

sticky situation

so i must say i'm impressed! i've blogged quite often enough... granted it's trials and i usually do the most inappropriate things at this time. anyway, here's a thought that occured.

the psych book was open ready for me at page- Lord knows what because of those photocopying 'geniuses', to take in whatever i cared to take becasue psych's tomorrow but of course my ever predictable mind wonders off and it occured to me: Am i a 'sticky' friend?

see i don't do things until cajoled and proded into doing so and no i don't actually wait for someone to do it but it just seems like when someone does i actually contemplate going or doing whatever it is. does that mean i'm only going along with the flow or that i actually ugh NEED people to be with me before i feel comfortable? am i not as i propose a sefl-sufficient chick who does everything her way screw what everyone else thinks?

i have seriously lost sight of who i am. i really don't know anymore. at 12 i would have confidently told you off if you tols me i didn't know who i am. a year ago i thought i knew what i had grew to become from all those' darker days' but today at 18, who am i? i wish i had SOME inkling. everytime i think i've got it something comes up or someone says something or heaven forbid i start along my thinking processes and come up with a thought that just overturns everything i thought. and then we're back to square one.

so, who am i?

sparkles

so i thought that this year would have turned out quite *bleh* but it's been okay...

Farah Fat and i hang out with jen quite a bit ( don't know if that's a worrying thing hehe), we go sushing so often THAT is worrying, i've sort of 'lost' friends i love so mcuh but i'm open to being found again! (*hint hint*)

i've welcomed an adorable cousin, Cedric, i've said goodbye...

malaysia is moving towards i half century of independence and despite our flaws and all, we're doing okay. Certain parts just need shzzazing up but all in all we're doing okay...

we witnessed 'The Wedding of The Year' which i must surprisingly admit was quite exciting... she looked sad or melancholic though in her pictures...oh well...

America paid tribute to to victims of 9/11 in it's 5th anniversary while the rest remembered those lost in the aftermath of it

The world said goodbye to Mr. Crocodile Hunter man

Football nuts were caught by the football fever bug, tennis bade farewell to the awesome andre aggassi and bonjour to the AMAZING Mr. Federer, F1 has to bid auf widersein to Mr. Michael Schumacher at the end of this season who has written history, david beckham stepped down as captain of england and is being left out by steve mclaren. I'm not too thrilled about that but then again it's their team. i can just hear the sarcastic sniggers out there about my loving DB, but i don't care what others might think. yeah i'm not embarassed to say it i love David Beckham!! hehehe so, personally, i think we should be proud, even if these people aren't at all in knowledge of our existence, that we lived in a generation filled with so many amazing athletes.

our local theatre scene is looking better every 'mo and so is our film industry though the former is doing better... ooh ooh but my fave ever "...I'm going to continue in English cause i sound stupid speaking Malay..." hahaha... i just love honesty like that, what more in our society.

i had an awesome summer holiday with the invasion of two "Americans" and an American

i've learnt so much upon my reflection on my exchange to Italia. i learnt so much from there but i think i learnt and realized even more things today thinking back to it.

i think that's about it. i'll think some more and see if i can come up with anything else

my tribute

so, Mel's sister passed away this week... I was so sad when i heard that. Ju told me in college and then the rest of the day left me pondering... It wasn't the first time my thought process went down this road. It has happened consistently throughout the year since April. It has been a tough but very eventful year. The bigggest event i will concentrate on here... In April I lost my Ah Gong. The kidnapper? Pancreatic Cancer. Now here's the weird thing: when i found out i wasn't like in total shock or anything i think i was more stunned.

yes i did expect it becasue we all knew that the cancer was eating at him so badly to the point where this man who was so strong and resillient throughout the whole ordeal started crying out in pain. i did cry at the funeral becasue yes it was tough saying goodbye. what was my one big regret? I never kissed him. That last time that i saw him i wanted to kiss him before i left for home but somehting held me back. i don't know what it was. today, i am left with memories of him. But i question the memories i have and how is it i miss him. For one thing that house i love so much, feels empty. This time of the year we would all have our tanglongs casue ah gong would have bought them for us from the market. Popo doesn't have anyone to take her to that coffee shop near SEA park i think for brekkie after the market. We don't have anyone to help us out in times of need. Were these all valid memories?

this year's MPH search for a young malaysian writer had the theme of 'Time'. My first thought for the story i wanted to write revolved around this amazing man who i love so much. But when it came tome to sit down and talk about my ah gong, i had nothing. or so i thought. i had nothing like all those inspiring stories i'd read. My ah gong was like any other grandpa. but then when that thought crossed my mind i knew i was lying. ah gong was not in an sort of 'ordinary' league. he was in one of his own. although it is tough to say what it was he had that made him so special, in my eyes anyway, i do know that he was.

i was so ashamed of myself because i thought of my memory of ah gong were all so flimsy and i didn't spend enough time knowing him and i also though at one point that my tears at the funeral were held back showing that maybe i didn't really care. but i know now that i was wrong. ah gong didn't want an elaborate funeral with all that jazz... he left word to keep it simple. and that was what made me realize that my memories were mine and what i have is so precious because my sister's and brother don't have what i got. My tears, what little i shed, was proof that my heart did break and the lack of it is just from knowing that ah gong wouldn't have wanted all that. he didn't like fuss. clean, fast and efficient. that was ah gong.

i was disturbed by the fact that i had no inspiration whatsoever to write or come up with something creative as a tribute to ah gong. when auntie tammy passed away, i came up with a poem from the point of a best friend even though i've only seen her once when i was younger. but when it came to writing something about ah gong i was so lost. it didn't help that Nadiah wrote something on him and she wasn't around for the funeral. i think what i remember of ah gong can't be put into words and no poem or story or whatever it is would adequately describe him and what i remember. i think what's in my heart matters and how or whether or not i carry it with me where i go.

So my memories of ah gong... begging to go next door to play, doing homework after him scolding me, going to the park with ah gong casue he was so easy to bring to the park, ah gong waiting for me after school everyday (with food!), yelling at other drivers on the road and complaining about the state of our roads, ah gong buying us tang longs and all that quirky but very useful household thingies, ah gong wondering off while we were in a shopping mall but magically finding us later on, . What do i miss most about not having him around? every time i go to the house, ah gong and i watch TV3 news together and we always talked about the news. Now, i don't have anyone to watch it with. His devotion as a husband, a father and especially a grandfather.

hey, this is it! this is my tribute... i love you

BFF...just like in primary school

yep, just like in primary school. i'll be honest though i haven't always believed in BFF....i still don't but i do remember a time where i cherished those words like gold. what changed? i don't know...somehow for some reason i've become cynical about all this rubbish. but yes i do believe in the power of friends because i do believe that no one should be alone...it's all good if they can convince themselves that they're all fine and dandy without anyone but everyone needs some form of company....

i still have my old BFF and i have new BFFs. although with my new cynic view of the world that there is no such thing as BFF, i have a group of my close friends that i do love... it's been hard to 'earn' them but i believe that they are a great group of people despite the many differences between all of them. now as the year is coming to a close close, everything is finally culminating and by this time next year who knows where we'll be? So i say cherish what we have today? i guess so...i don't know i'm not a big fan of promises and relationships...let's just say it's all broken promises.

i had a previous blog somewhere else but that didnt' work out cause it didn't feel 'cool' enough...hahaha...anyway there was something conveyed in that one post i posted that i want to put here since we're on the topic of friends. I am no stranger to loosing a best friend becasue i did. i couldn't remember anyone i was closer to. so what happened then? i wish to God i knew or that it was a better reason than the only one i can come up with...peer pressure. i was so desperate to fit in and all that i became a bully....i had no mind of my own and i refused to fight for what i believed in but didn't realise i belived in until unfortunately many donkey years later.

and then there was the other one where i was a bully and made life a living hell for one girl. I think that this girl was one of the few incidents in my life that convince me that there is a higher power out there whether we want to call it God or something else. She forgave me. Yes when my 'mature' mind grasped at what horrible things i had done, i wrote her a letter apologizing for my behaviour. she wrote back and she forgave. she even made it into a good thing. that restored my faith that people ARE indeed capable of immense goodness and love. she came back recently fron the US and wanted to meet up but i think my guilt made me into a coward cause i did my best to avoid meeting her. yes i feel guilty and i may carry this guilt around for a long time but it serves as i reminder that we have to be good to one another to live a fulfilling life. i don't know if i'll ever have the courage to look her in the eye again but i pray like hell that i won't be condemned.

perfect...absolutely

Well so here we are... nearly a week on and here i am at the age of 18 beginning the 19th year of life on this place we all call Earth. Now what on Earth am i talking about? Well it was a theory from an interview the very surprisingly hot Denzel Washington said while on Parkinson. I don't remember the exact quote of it but the gist of it was that when a person turns a certain age, they are actually begining the next year of their lives. Confused? Took me awhile to grasp it too but here's an example... i turned 18 six days ago, i began the journey of the 19th year of my life.

So what's so significant about turning 18? Nothing that i can honestly say got me that when excicted. For the first time in my whole lifetime i was not excited nor was i particularly happy about my birthday. previously the excitement was awesome...truning a year older. But this year? Nope. It was depressing to say the least. I always felt that turning 18 was the worse part of a person's life and i had a theory that being 17 was perfect... i had some whole theory in words and i think sometime this year i read that theory of mine coming out from the mouth of the gorgeous Liv Tyler. Here's what it says: "It's no fun turning 18. Being 17 is perfect; you can get away with anything; and yet you're old enough to do what you want"… sheer genius i say! so those of you out there who are still 17 or even those of you itching to grow up i have this to say: Live all your moments and soak them up all you can cause you're only THAT age ONCE.

yes i am OLD. Why am i so depressed about it? well i guess it's cause i've realized in the past year or so i can no longer hide behind the innocence that being 17 offered. You were always able to push aside decisions and responsibilities that you didn't want to take or make. Nonetheless i know that the coming year will present itself with so many challenges and heartaches but i am preparing myself for them. I want to be able to look at all those and say to their faces "i'm ready for you...there's nothing you can throw at me that i can't handle."

funny me

I have got to be the world's biggest idiot...ha ha ha... i created a blog the other day but couldn't access it the next day cause i completely forgot my username and password....anyway i made sure i did everything right this time...heh...finally got my own blog...LOL

This'll be weird cause a lotta people know how opposed i am to blogging...but i was thinking the other day and i realized how many warped little thoughts i have in my head and i wanted to share them with someone but i couldn't think of a single person who would have the time of day, interest and patience to listen..hahah...so that's MY justification. so this is MY introductory entry and i hope you'll come back for more!