footprints

how much time does it take to make an impact in someone's life?

-Marin, "Men In Trees"-

this is me

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

i'll be there for you

it's all about you, you and you

but i also think of me

i think i think of me more

i wish didn't

it makes me a bad person

but i'm always here...regardless

i won't leave

but i might not trust

cliché

in a room of so many

i am alone

and then he said...

"trust me with the amount i worked i deserve that nasi lemak"

-abu on working out and nasi lemak-



p.s. i know this is really random but i loved it! hahaha...

how do i

going away from everything and everyonw i've ever known

yeah i may have travelled on my own thousands of miles away before but i've always been back

who knows when i'll see anyone again?

will i fit in there?

how do i deal?

but i'm excited! it's a new begining!

it's what i've been dreaming of

getting away

starting fresh

who knew i'd be so attatched

those three words

people toss them about all the time.

especially here.

they don't realize the implication behind it.

they become meaningless to some after a while.

where's the magic then?

"those three words, are said too much, they're not enough"

-Snow Patrol-

aliente

Five silver plates line the white washed wall.

it's called a piece of art. but one sees nothing but the plates fron afar.

Walk closer towards the silver plates.

As your breath hits the plates, the faces of the forgotten appear.

with their faces, your reflection also stares back at you

do you remember these people who died? do you REMEMBER what they died for and why?

~Oscar Muñoz~

left behind

i feel so emo.

i feel like i'm loosing some of the people i love most.

i know i shouldn't hold on and that i should just let go and leave it up to fate.

i want to- i really do but i feel somewhat betrayed and that doesn't make sense either.

and letting go? it's easier said than done.

maybe it's something i said and we're definitely growing apart. but i don't want to loose something that's been such a huge part of my life for so long.

so how now?

Best days of my life

college was a fluke. it didn't really teach me much.

I miss Sri Aman.

I didn't do much there and i didn't really shine in anything but the thing is i had fun. I made so many friends who are so different but have come to mean so much. (Yes, i miss you all!)

this had to be brought on by something you must be thinking. It was. I was going through the Sri Aman 2005 yearbook and looked back on everything and although i wasn't really a BIG part of anything i really felt that i did somehting good.

ooh cna i just say that the 5SB class page is the one that rocks the most! it's the best designed one!!! hahaha... and no i'm not biased hahaha... so yes, i miss everyone and if anyone out there reads this i just wanted you to know that.

cry me a river

i need to cry... i haven't cried in ages.

like REALLY cried

what would YOU do?

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
-Gloria Vanderbilt-

change is gonna come

finally, I can say i belong somewhere.

University of Toronto Scarborough- Class of 2011

eat your heart out. i'm terrified. what if i don't fit in? what if I have no idea what i'm doing or if i want to be doing what i'm doing? what if i have no friends? what if i'm cast away? what if no one likes me? what if i suck at the univeristy thing? what if i fail? what if i become so lost that there's no way back? what if...?

my conscience has green horns

i'm left here on my own waiting to start on a whole new chapter. How do i feel about this? well, i'll be the first to tell you that that's a trick question because there is no answer. i sure as hell don't have one. on one hand i can't wait to get out of this place to a new world where life will hopefully be kinder. on the other hand, i'm terrified to no end. people may joke about it to me and yeah i'll laugh along with whatever joke is being cracked but at the end of the day the point is that i'm terrified. i'm travelling a few hundred thousand miles to a country where i know no one and i have to start studying all over again. I don't know if i'm strong enough to do that.

My friends have all started their lives and it feels like everyone's grown up without telling me that it was time. i know that it is my choice to go to Toronto to study and the fact that i've made it into a fantastic school to boot should make leaving easy. But it isn't. The people who have come to mean so much after so much effort and the people who love me and keep me the way i am is what is making leaving such a tough thing. I always thought "Oh puh-leese! this is going to be a breeze." shows how much i know hey...

I don't want to loose my friends but i know that holding on with a death grip will not change anything so I have to learn to move on and I have. That's one of the most important lessons the last few months have taught me. I'm still invested in each and every one of my friendships but i know that I can still go on if i were to loose any one of them. I'm not saying that i have finished learning this whole process because goodness knows it's taken me forever to get here but there's a lot to learn and to see in the future. What that future holds? Wouldn't you want to know...

a love affair

My latest love -

STRAWBERRIES

have you ever had anything as decadent and delicious? mmm... they make me happy

you know what else makes me really happy and smile? Balloons. huge huge bouquets of balloons.

strawberries and balloons... the way to a girl's heart- this one at least! hehehe...

look into my eyes

i did something i haven't done in a long time today. It's not earth moving or anything like that but it meant a lot to me now that I can feel Canada breathing down my neck. anyway the point is that i spent the afternoon at my popo's and it's something that i haven't done in like forever. We talked a bit about things and it made me miss my gong gong.

so my cousin Cedric was brought home from the nanny's in the evening and as usual, i couldn't not play with him =) he makes me smile. the creepy thing is that this little thing of 8 months made me think and realize somehting- one of the hardest and most vulnerable thing that a person can do is to look someone else in the eyes for a really long time. I mean STARE.

See, he isn't to familliar with me cause i only see him once a week but the thing is when he looks at me as if trying to put me into a box in his mind and figuring out who i am, it feels as if he sees into me and all that i am deep down. This is what i mean by making yourself vulnerable. Letting someone stare into your eyes and staring right back is a great leap of faith. it's opening yourself up to them and letting them look into your soul practically. I know it may not make sense to some people out there but to me I see it as a huge exercise in trust. Something that i'm sure i'm not ready to do with anyone at all.

Scary

mirror, mirror on the wall

self image.

oh how i loathe thee

"My relationship with my body is like that of an egomaniac with a self-esteem problem. Mostly I think about myself and how much I suck. But there are rare moments when I walk around for hours and think i look amazing. Either I feel great about myself or I've decided some guy is checking me out. Then I catch a side view of myself in a store window or a department store mirror and I'm plunged into despair. If I could always live in a place with no mirrors or disapproving glances, I would think that I was the prettiest girl around."
-Maggie from "Conversations with the Fat Girl" by Liza Palmer-

this aptly describes how i see myself sometimes. It does not bode well with me that I am that conscious of how I look and how much i weigh. Most of the time I can get by with feeling comfortable in my own skin but there are times when I become Maggie. If you ever get the chance pick up that book. It may be chick lit but it's the best story ever because it really is real and i'm sure that you will be able to find a piece of yourself if not in Maggie then in some of the other characters in the book.

lemon filling

the real world- key west

the scene: Taylor is running a marathon somewhere down in Key West, Florida. at the 29th mile he is crouched on the ground. his knee has given way but his mind is screaming for him to go on. he gets up and with the motivational support from three people who were before that time virtual strangers he goes on and finishes the marathon. he doesn't win or anything (at least i didn't think he did) but he finished the marathon.

now, what is all that? well first of all i'd like to point out that i have no idea what the real world reality series is about and i am open to someone poitning out what it's all about.

the lesson behind that? that it doesn't matter whether we come in first or last in a race. it's the effort and the heart that we put into getting from the starting point to the end that matters most. and that it doesn't hurt when we get support long the way, be it from the ones who we love and knows us well, perfect strangers or even our worst enemy. that support and motivation whether directly or indirectly, gives us that extra push and kick that we need to complete that one extra mile when everything seems impossible. so remember it's the journey and not the begining or end.

it's the lemon filling that the meringue covers

conservatism

i have been brought up in a fairly open family where very few things are taboo.

well okay maybe my dad and his side of the family has this thing against indians and well basically dark skinned communities. but i know when at the end of the day push comes to shove, my dad would not mind if we were to get together with any of these people, his side of the family would probably all throw a hissy fit but i know that my dad would accept it at the end of the day casue i know that he has changed and grown a lot since i was a kid.

so anyway the point i'm trying to make is that some families are still so conservative in their thinking and their ways even in these modern days of the 21st century.

first example is an uncle who strongly felt that i should get an intense education while obtaining my degree in Australia instead of going to Canada and getting a more liberal education. he says that it is better to be a know it all in one subject and that i should not venture out so far.

next one are two sets of parents. set A disapproves of their daughter having a boyfriend and especially one who isn't muslim. set B are a set of staunch Catholics who won't allow their daughter to date anyone who isn't Catholic citing beliefs and things like that. Now, don't get me wrong i understand that it is all part of parental love and religious beliefs, culture and tradition. but at the end of the day when push come to shove and these parents won't give up their rigid beliefs and learn to let go a little, their kids are the ones who will well i don't think suffer but i guess they loose out.

interfaith/religion relationships are still so much frowned upon but at the end of the day isn't that supposedly great thing called love supposed to prevail over it all that?

what else? ooh back to that first one. well something to do with it. the hotel industry is a magnificent one as i am sure many people who work in it should know. yes, it's not a glamorous job or anything but it's a wonderful industry to work in. Not in the eyes of a lot of my family members though. According to them people working in the hotel line are those who didn't do well in school academically. but then i think wait, if that's so then how come there are so many people with degrees in business administration who are working in the hotel industry making heck load of money? it just doesn't make sense. and this industry isn't the only one but it is the most prominent one getting this kind of response. there are so many industries out there not getting a seal of approval but i think that at the end of the day isn't the fact that the person is making a living perhaps merely just enough but making a living doing what they love... isn't that what counts the most?

going into our 50th year of independence, Malaysia also has it's own hurdles of conservative ways and thinkings to overcome before it goes on to achieve her Vision 2020. hey, i'm all for it but the state of the country today, in its political and economical ways, she has a very long way to go but i have the biggest hopes, wishes and dreams that she will bloom and become a force to be rockoned with.

looking forwards

so here it is... 2007! a very happy new year to all who stumble upon my humble aboude of thoughts.

so dad sat the four of us down today and asked us what our goals for 2007 were. My goals for 2007 are to go to uni and do well, to visit america before going there and to bcome a better person because 2006 taught me that i was not happy with the person i was.

now this new year brings a new chapter in not only my life but so many of my friends as well. I suppose one can call it a milestone as we're all preparing to go our separate ways. but my biggest hope as this new begining comes is that no matter what and who the future may bring our way we'll keep each other and the memories with us no matter what.

yeah, it is wistful thinking but one can always hope for the best can't we?

this new begining thing scares me. it's sort of like starting all over again from the begining. making new friends, adjusting to a whole new world, coping with new challenges and obstacles. i wonder if i am strong and capable enough to make it through. but i know that with faith, hardwork and lots of help from the Big Kahuna above anything is possible.

so before i completely emerse myself in 2007, what have i taken away from 2006? i have taken away the experience of reverse bungee jumping...TWICE; i have learnt that not everyone is as good as they seem and that you only want to be around them under specific circumstances; i have learnt that my time in italy was completely ruined by myself but that i can rebound from it and i will know what to do next time; i have discovered the wonders of so many great bands like the fray and hinder; i have taken away the experience of being in college and it's crappy and few good times.

what am i looking for in 2007? a better person, a new experience and the journey of a lifetime! i can't wait!