and then.

and then when you've finally found those you're comfortable with...

...reality happens.

people always turn around...and leave.

who needs companions then?

you and me

companionship.

strange thing isn't it?

we all cross paths at one point or another in our lives.

but what keeps us in each other's lives?

how much do we have to have mattered to the other person to keep them in our lives?

how many footprints do we have to make?

why is it we all seem to need some form of companionship throughout our lives?

what's wrong with 'some men or women are an island'?

and then again why is it when surrounded in a room full of people one still feels really alone?

friends forever

i've never been the biggest believer in 'friends forever'

holding everyone at arm's length is the way to go

that way you won't get hurt....

this trip back has changed all that

they've made me WANT to believe in friends forever

so here's that small step i've promised myself to take...hopefully it'll be the first step to the many more i'll take.

Friends Forever

footprints

how much time does it take to make an impact in someone's life?

-Marin, "Men In Trees"-

this is me

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

i'll be there for you

it's all about you, you and you

but i also think of me

i think i think of me more

i wish didn't

it makes me a bad person

but i'm always here...regardless

i won't leave

but i might not trust

cliché

in a room of so many

i am alone

and then he said...

"trust me with the amount i worked i deserve that nasi lemak"

-abu on working out and nasi lemak-



p.s. i know this is really random but i loved it! hahaha...

how do i

going away from everything and everyonw i've ever known

yeah i may have travelled on my own thousands of miles away before but i've always been back

who knows when i'll see anyone again?

will i fit in there?

how do i deal?

but i'm excited! it's a new begining!

it's what i've been dreaming of

getting away

starting fresh

who knew i'd be so attatched

those three words

people toss them about all the time.

especially here.

they don't realize the implication behind it.

they become meaningless to some after a while.

where's the magic then?

"those three words, are said too much, they're not enough"

-Snow Patrol-

aliente

Five silver plates line the white washed wall.

it's called a piece of art. but one sees nothing but the plates fron afar.

Walk closer towards the silver plates.

As your breath hits the plates, the faces of the forgotten appear.

with their faces, your reflection also stares back at you

do you remember these people who died? do you REMEMBER what they died for and why?

~Oscar Muñoz~

left behind

i feel so emo.

i feel like i'm loosing some of the people i love most.

i know i shouldn't hold on and that i should just let go and leave it up to fate.

i want to- i really do but i feel somewhat betrayed and that doesn't make sense either.

and letting go? it's easier said than done.

maybe it's something i said and we're definitely growing apart. but i don't want to loose something that's been such a huge part of my life for so long.

so how now?

Best days of my life

college was a fluke. it didn't really teach me much.

I miss Sri Aman.

I didn't do much there and i didn't really shine in anything but the thing is i had fun. I made so many friends who are so different but have come to mean so much. (Yes, i miss you all!)

this had to be brought on by something you must be thinking. It was. I was going through the Sri Aman 2005 yearbook and looked back on everything and although i wasn't really a BIG part of anything i really felt that i did somehting good.

ooh cna i just say that the 5SB class page is the one that rocks the most! it's the best designed one!!! hahaha... and no i'm not biased hahaha... so yes, i miss everyone and if anyone out there reads this i just wanted you to know that.

cry me a river

i need to cry... i haven't cried in ages.

like REALLY cried

what would YOU do?

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
-Gloria Vanderbilt-

change is gonna come

finally, I can say i belong somewhere.

University of Toronto Scarborough- Class of 2011

eat your heart out. i'm terrified. what if i don't fit in? what if I have no idea what i'm doing or if i want to be doing what i'm doing? what if i have no friends? what if i'm cast away? what if no one likes me? what if i suck at the univeristy thing? what if i fail? what if i become so lost that there's no way back? what if...?

my conscience has green horns

i'm left here on my own waiting to start on a whole new chapter. How do i feel about this? well, i'll be the first to tell you that that's a trick question because there is no answer. i sure as hell don't have one. on one hand i can't wait to get out of this place to a new world where life will hopefully be kinder. on the other hand, i'm terrified to no end. people may joke about it to me and yeah i'll laugh along with whatever joke is being cracked but at the end of the day the point is that i'm terrified. i'm travelling a few hundred thousand miles to a country where i know no one and i have to start studying all over again. I don't know if i'm strong enough to do that.

My friends have all started their lives and it feels like everyone's grown up without telling me that it was time. i know that it is my choice to go to Toronto to study and the fact that i've made it into a fantastic school to boot should make leaving easy. But it isn't. The people who have come to mean so much after so much effort and the people who love me and keep me the way i am is what is making leaving such a tough thing. I always thought "Oh puh-leese! this is going to be a breeze." shows how much i know hey...

I don't want to loose my friends but i know that holding on with a death grip will not change anything so I have to learn to move on and I have. That's one of the most important lessons the last few months have taught me. I'm still invested in each and every one of my friendships but i know that I can still go on if i were to loose any one of them. I'm not saying that i have finished learning this whole process because goodness knows it's taken me forever to get here but there's a lot to learn and to see in the future. What that future holds? Wouldn't you want to know...

a love affair

My latest love -

STRAWBERRIES

have you ever had anything as decadent and delicious? mmm... they make me happy

you know what else makes me really happy and smile? Balloons. huge huge bouquets of balloons.

strawberries and balloons... the way to a girl's heart- this one at least! hehehe...

look into my eyes

i did something i haven't done in a long time today. It's not earth moving or anything like that but it meant a lot to me now that I can feel Canada breathing down my neck. anyway the point is that i spent the afternoon at my popo's and it's something that i haven't done in like forever. We talked a bit about things and it made me miss my gong gong.

so my cousin Cedric was brought home from the nanny's in the evening and as usual, i couldn't not play with him =) he makes me smile. the creepy thing is that this little thing of 8 months made me think and realize somehting- one of the hardest and most vulnerable thing that a person can do is to look someone else in the eyes for a really long time. I mean STARE.

See, he isn't to familliar with me cause i only see him once a week but the thing is when he looks at me as if trying to put me into a box in his mind and figuring out who i am, it feels as if he sees into me and all that i am deep down. This is what i mean by making yourself vulnerable. Letting someone stare into your eyes and staring right back is a great leap of faith. it's opening yourself up to them and letting them look into your soul practically. I know it may not make sense to some people out there but to me I see it as a huge exercise in trust. Something that i'm sure i'm not ready to do with anyone at all.

Scary

mirror, mirror on the wall

self image.

oh how i loathe thee

"My relationship with my body is like that of an egomaniac with a self-esteem problem. Mostly I think about myself and how much I suck. But there are rare moments when I walk around for hours and think i look amazing. Either I feel great about myself or I've decided some guy is checking me out. Then I catch a side view of myself in a store window or a department store mirror and I'm plunged into despair. If I could always live in a place with no mirrors or disapproving glances, I would think that I was the prettiest girl around."
-Maggie from "Conversations with the Fat Girl" by Liza Palmer-

this aptly describes how i see myself sometimes. It does not bode well with me that I am that conscious of how I look and how much i weigh. Most of the time I can get by with feeling comfortable in my own skin but there are times when I become Maggie. If you ever get the chance pick up that book. It may be chick lit but it's the best story ever because it really is real and i'm sure that you will be able to find a piece of yourself if not in Maggie then in some of the other characters in the book.